The technological innovation we've been waiting for: BARACKSTAR

Actual simulated BARACKSTAR call:

Obama: BARACKSTAR. May I help you?
Woman: Oh, thank goodness. I've locked my keys out of, out of my car.
Obama: What kind of car is it, ma'am?
Woman: It's a Suburban. Oh, I see my purse in the front seat.
Obama: We can't drive our SUVs as much as we want.
Woman: Huh? What do you mean?
Obama: We can't expect other countries to just stand by and say it's OK for you to drive your SUV as much as you want.
Woman: Uh, thanks BARACKSTAR.

The world confronts Americans with a dizzying array of choices. It's understandable that one might feel confusion occasionally. That's why we developed BARACKSTAR. Ideally, every person inside the United States, whether documented or not, will receive a BARACKSTAR transceiver surgically grafted to the left chest area. The device is so small that you will hardly even know it's there*!

Obama: BARACKSTAR. May I help you?
Man: Thank goodness you're there. I'm trying to order lunch and this employee doesn't seem to speak a word of English!
Obama: We need to teach our children to speak Spanish.
Man: What?
Obama: Approach the counter and repeat after me: "Merci beaucoup, amigo."
Man: OK, I guess it's worth a try ...

BARACKSTAR. Making America good again. That is, if America was ever good in the first place.


* Ten percent of test subjects were no longer be able to perform jumping jacks without falling over after receiving the graft procedure, while 49 percent reported hearing continuous NPR broadcasts after installation.